Me again, it's been awhile.
Lately I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I never understood people when they said "when you know, you know." I always thought "Yea- you always think that in the honeymoon stage. But you never really know." But guys- When you know- you really know. Your heart literally beats differently, your outlook on life changes, your mental health becomes the best it's ever been. You just know.
This time last year, I was probably at the lowest point in my life that I've ever been in. I put up a good front and didn't let people see it, but I truly was dying inside. I had no motivation to do anything. Nothing excited me. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I literally could have flunked out of nursing school and wouldn't have cared. It was absolutely awful.
I let my mental health reach an all time low. I had very little respect for myself and allowed people to have that same level of respect for me. I didn't feel like I was the type of person who deserved respect. I had accepted that I had done something wrong and that feeling this low about myself and my life was just karma's way of taking care of me.
I could honestly go on and on about how awful that time was- but in the fashion of this post being titled "love" I think I'll go ahead and get to the good stuff.
I think it's important for everyone to realize that as low as you get, as awful as it gets, as much as you think it never will, it does get better. When you're in a difficult situation it can be so easy to allow yourself to only see the negative and to convince yourself that this is just how life is and will be forever. I had grown up seeing a far from perfect example of love and because of that I think I just kinda assumed that that was my destiny as well.
On a whim one day on a random Tuesday, after having the lowest of the low past 3-4 months I had ever had, I decided to reach out to one of my best friends, a guy I forever thought was way too perfect to love someone as broken as me. I've talked to that guy every single day since that random Tuesday, and every single day continues to get better and better.
Looking back now at how truly broken I was, to now, I don't even recognize that person anymore. I am so much healthier both physically and mentally. I no longer have daily panic attacks. I just feel love and safety and all of the things that people should feel when they are in love with the right person.
I am encouraged everyday to be the best version of myself that I can be and he always encourages me when he sees that I am faulting. He truly makes me want to be a better person with each day and because of him I am motivated to be better and lift up others.
After so much time of truly despising the person that I was and the things that I allowed, I can honestly say that the only thing I feel towards myself now is love. I truly love myself.
They always say that before you can love someone else, you need to love yourself first- but I don't think that's 100% true. I think that when you finally feel the love that you deserve and you're with the person who brings out the best in you, you're able to love yourself because you are finally able to see that you're capable of being loved.
I just think it's really important for people to realize that they are not forever stuck in their awful situations. Depression doesn't have to last forever. You always deserve to feel the kind of love that in turn makes you love yourself. Finally, you should never, ever settle for anything less. Because for real, when you know- you know. And knowing is the best feeling in the world :).
Stars
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
Wednesday, April 3, 2019
Overcoming
Change is hard. It can be an incredibly scary thing. However, if change is needed, please allow yourself the opportunity to change and grow into the person you are meant to be. Leaving the easy known to go into the unknown can seriously be terrifying. Just know that you are worthy, you are strong, and you can better your situation.
I am a person most at fault with allowing the fear of change to overtake my life. I settled into a life that I didn't enjoy because of the fear of the unknown and being alone. I stayed with someone who belittled my feelings and made me feel like a second choice because I believed that's what I deserved. I told myself that he needed me, that I could help him, that I could protect him from his own demons. What I didn't intend to happen was the creation of a million demons for myself.
When you're in a toxic situation, you don't realize the severity of it no matter how many warning signs you are given. I lost friends because I chose to stay in my toxic situation time after time, no matter how many times I was given a reason to leave. I was talked about, laughed at, and seen as a pushover, someone with no self respect. I would be lying if I said I didn't also feel those things about myself as well. I knew the rumors were true, yet I didn't want to believe them. Or I did believe them and I told myself it's what I deserved, or he only did those things to me because of his past traumas. I told myself that it was my duty to help him through those traumas, and if I did that he wouldn't hurt me anymore.
I quickly transformed into someone I didn't recognize. I put off hanging out with my friends in case I got a call from him that he wanted to see me or that he needed my help. I skipped family events, or spent the whole event with my phone in my face waiting for a call or a text. I became infatuated with the fear of being inadequate. That he would leave me if I wasn't absolutely perfect. My mood depended on his mood. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was mad, I was scared to death of being left. I felt as if I was constantly walking on egg shells, terrified of a life without this man that my mind had convinced itself I physically could not live without.
I told myself I deserved to be cheated on because I wasn't being good enough to him, and If I was more for him I wouldn't have caused him to cheat. I ignored other rumors of cheating because I knew that even if they were confirmed to be true, I would not leave. I allowed him to breakup with me anytime he got mad at me, and would take him back as soon as he came back. I believed him that I was the issue, that I needed to be more for him to keep him from leaving me. I allowed my body to be available to him at any time while we were still broken up because I convinced myself that would make him love me again. When he did come back, I was not allowed to talk about the breakup and was told I would be left again if I continued. I allowed myself to be a doormat, and mistook it for love.
I knew that I would always come second to alcohol, but somehow I allowed myself to be okay with that. I told myself that alcohol was his coping mechanism for a hard life and that I couldn't come between that because I couldn't understand what he had been through. I just knew that I had to be there for him whenever alcohol caused him to be in a difficult situation, that that was my role. I feared the nights I knew he had drank as much as he usually did, I knew those were the nights he would probably get mad at me and break up with me. I remember a time he was drunk and had gotten in a fight with a friend and was stranded on a gravel road. He called me at 3am asking me to come get him. I told him I wouldn't because he needed to take responsibility for his actions. He then told me he was done with me, hung up and changed his Facebook status to single. When I asked him the next morning if he still felt the same way he replied "Bye Felicia". I told myself I deserved that because I should have went and helped him, and that I had been selfish.
Yet through everything, I was still terrified of a life without him. I felt like my purpose in life was him. That I couldn't leave him because he needed me, he had had a bad life. I deserved what was happening to me because I could have been better, more supportive, less selfish. I ignored my friends telling me I deserved more. I ignored my mom telling me I could be treated better. I isolated myself from ever talking about the negative things he did to me because I wanted people to stop telling me I deserved better. Because I believed I didn't.
Then one day something really amazing happened. I woke up, I realized I deserved better, and I left. I did what I thought I would never have the strength to do- I put myself first. I told myself that the way I was being treated was not acceptable. I told myself that I would not have a happy future if I allowed myself to stay in the current situation. I gathered up every once of courage that I had, and I left. It's still tough because I've let myself be so codependent for so long, but I know this is what I need to do to live the life I want. It's time to start putting myself and my needs first.
I'm a person who thought that I was forever stuck in an impossible situation and I actually got out. I'm happier, stronger, healthier, and have better relationships with my friends and family. I have allowed myself the opportunity to find the correct person for me, to one day be loved the way I deserve to be loved. I have expanded my confidence and I have fallen in love with life again little by little, day by day.
Please never settle. Ever. You are worthy, you are loved, you are enough. It's okay to put yourself first.
I am a person most at fault with allowing the fear of change to overtake my life. I settled into a life that I didn't enjoy because of the fear of the unknown and being alone. I stayed with someone who belittled my feelings and made me feel like a second choice because I believed that's what I deserved. I told myself that he needed me, that I could help him, that I could protect him from his own demons. What I didn't intend to happen was the creation of a million demons for myself.
When you're in a toxic situation, you don't realize the severity of it no matter how many warning signs you are given. I lost friends because I chose to stay in my toxic situation time after time, no matter how many times I was given a reason to leave. I was talked about, laughed at, and seen as a pushover, someone with no self respect. I would be lying if I said I didn't also feel those things about myself as well. I knew the rumors were true, yet I didn't want to believe them. Or I did believe them and I told myself it's what I deserved, or he only did those things to me because of his past traumas. I told myself that it was my duty to help him through those traumas, and if I did that he wouldn't hurt me anymore.
I quickly transformed into someone I didn't recognize. I put off hanging out with my friends in case I got a call from him that he wanted to see me or that he needed my help. I skipped family events, or spent the whole event with my phone in my face waiting for a call or a text. I became infatuated with the fear of being inadequate. That he would leave me if I wasn't absolutely perfect. My mood depended on his mood. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was mad, I was scared to death of being left. I felt as if I was constantly walking on egg shells, terrified of a life without this man that my mind had convinced itself I physically could not live without.
I told myself I deserved to be cheated on because I wasn't being good enough to him, and If I was more for him I wouldn't have caused him to cheat. I ignored other rumors of cheating because I knew that even if they were confirmed to be true, I would not leave. I allowed him to breakup with me anytime he got mad at me, and would take him back as soon as he came back. I believed him that I was the issue, that I needed to be more for him to keep him from leaving me. I allowed my body to be available to him at any time while we were still broken up because I convinced myself that would make him love me again. When he did come back, I was not allowed to talk about the breakup and was told I would be left again if I continued. I allowed myself to be a doormat, and mistook it for love.
I knew that I would always come second to alcohol, but somehow I allowed myself to be okay with that. I told myself that alcohol was his coping mechanism for a hard life and that I couldn't come between that because I couldn't understand what he had been through. I just knew that I had to be there for him whenever alcohol caused him to be in a difficult situation, that that was my role. I feared the nights I knew he had drank as much as he usually did, I knew those were the nights he would probably get mad at me and break up with me. I remember a time he was drunk and had gotten in a fight with a friend and was stranded on a gravel road. He called me at 3am asking me to come get him. I told him I wouldn't because he needed to take responsibility for his actions. He then told me he was done with me, hung up and changed his Facebook status to single. When I asked him the next morning if he still felt the same way he replied "Bye Felicia". I told myself I deserved that because I should have went and helped him, and that I had been selfish.
Yet through everything, I was still terrified of a life without him. I felt like my purpose in life was him. That I couldn't leave him because he needed me, he had had a bad life. I deserved what was happening to me because I could have been better, more supportive, less selfish. I ignored my friends telling me I deserved more. I ignored my mom telling me I could be treated better. I isolated myself from ever talking about the negative things he did to me because I wanted people to stop telling me I deserved better. Because I believed I didn't.
Then one day something really amazing happened. I woke up, I realized I deserved better, and I left. I did what I thought I would never have the strength to do- I put myself first. I told myself that the way I was being treated was not acceptable. I told myself that I would not have a happy future if I allowed myself to stay in the current situation. I gathered up every once of courage that I had, and I left. It's still tough because I've let myself be so codependent for so long, but I know this is what I need to do to live the life I want. It's time to start putting myself and my needs first.
I'm a person who thought that I was forever stuck in an impossible situation and I actually got out. I'm happier, stronger, healthier, and have better relationships with my friends and family. I have allowed myself the opportunity to find the correct person for me, to one day be loved the way I deserve to be loved. I have expanded my confidence and I have fallen in love with life again little by little, day by day.
Please never settle. Ever. You are worthy, you are loved, you are enough. It's okay to put yourself first.
Friday, September 7, 2018
5 Reasons Why It's Absolutely Ridiculous To Play Travel Sports
As a individual who has committed over half of my life and more hours in the car than I could ever count to the game of softball, I feel it's important to let others know my experiences and why I feel this way. So here it is- 5 reasons why it's absolutely crazy to play travel sports.
Enjoy :)
#1- You might bond too much with your parent(s).
THE HORROR! You might actually get to spend so much time with your parent that they might actually become your best friend. You will have countless hours together in a vehicle going to and from practices, games, and other events. You will try every fast food restaurant at least 7 times. You will talk about hopes, dreams, fear, etc. You will quickly realize how much you appreciate and value what your parent is doing for you. I know- awful, right?
#2- You will undoubtedly make friends that will last you a lifetime.
Ugh! Friends! Spending every weekend together playing the game you love next to the people you love is just crazy. I met some of my closest friends through my travel team, friends that I will have for the rest of my life. They saw me at my lowest lows and rejoiced with me through some of my highest highs. I trusted them on the field and still trust them off of the field. I am forever thankful for the game of softball bringing me such incredible people.
#3- You will learn respect and maturity
How lame! Respecting people and being mature?! Who wants to do that? Playing travel sports you will be around diverse groups of people, you will go to areas you aren't normally in, and you will learn to handle difficult situations in a graceful way. You will learn to respect your coaches and umpires (even if you don't agree with them). Travel sports really does shape you into the kind of person you will be for the rest of your life and I am so thankful for that. But again- lame, right?
#4- You might have a childhood that involves being outside a lot and staying active
From the summer I turned 9 years old to the summer after my senior year of high school, I was found on a softball field 99% of the time. My birthday is in June, so majority of my birthdays were spent on the field and I absolutely loved it. I stayed in shape, I was always tan, I spent my summers outside, and we always stayed in hotels that had a pool! I was confident in my skills and I loved being on the field, hoping that every ground ball would come to me (I always loved fielding more than hitting). I loved my childhood summers and birthday celebrations with my teammates. But like- I guess staying inside all summer doing nothing is cool too.
#5- You might actually end up getting a college scholarship!
WHO LIKES SCHOLARSHIPS THOUGH?! I played softball for 11 years of my life. I played college softball for 2 years of my college. Even just playing 2 years, I got more in softball money than my parents ever paid for me to play. Also, even if I didn't play in college- the memories you make and the time you get to spend with your parents are absolutely priceless. I am 100% confident that without playing travel ball, I would have never got the exposure/skills required to play at the collegiate level and I'd be in a great deal of college debt right now.
So there you have it, folks! Don't play travel sports. If you do, you might love your parents too much, make too many friends, become too mature, spend too much time outside, and might end up getting a chance to play in college. If those things do not sound appealing to you, please don't pursue travel sports.
All jokes aside, I am so thankful my parents pushed me to tryout for a team 2 hours away from home when I was 9 years old. I have gained so much love and friends. I love the person I am today and I believe a big part of who I am is because I got the amazing opportunity to play travel ball. It truly was a huge huge blessing in my life.
It makes me sad to see so many people with rude comment towards those who play travel ball because a- how does it affect them in any way? and b- why would you ever want to talk down on parents giving their children a chance to better themselves/make friends/ believe they are talented and good at something in their life. It's a great opportunity and if parents have the ability to provide this opportunity and the child wants the opportunity then why the heck should they not get to have the opportunity?
Friendly reminder to love each other, love yourself, and follow your dreams whatever they might be. Also, if someone has a dream or a passion, please don't laugh at or look down on it just because you don't agree. It's okay to disagree, it's not okay to make fun of other people decisions and passions.
<3
*I'd also like to add that it's 100% okay to play travel sports with no intent to play your sport in college. That doesn't make your passion any less valid. But if you do want to pursue that goal, I'm here to tell you I would have never gotten there without travel ball.*
Enjoy :)
#1- You might bond too much with your parent(s).
THE HORROR! You might actually get to spend so much time with your parent that they might actually become your best friend. You will have countless hours together in a vehicle going to and from practices, games, and other events. You will try every fast food restaurant at least 7 times. You will talk about hopes, dreams, fear, etc. You will quickly realize how much you appreciate and value what your parent is doing for you. I know- awful, right?
#2- You will undoubtedly make friends that will last you a lifetime.
Ugh! Friends! Spending every weekend together playing the game you love next to the people you love is just crazy. I met some of my closest friends through my travel team, friends that I will have for the rest of my life. They saw me at my lowest lows and rejoiced with me through some of my highest highs. I trusted them on the field and still trust them off of the field. I am forever thankful for the game of softball bringing me such incredible people.
#3- You will learn respect and maturity
How lame! Respecting people and being mature?! Who wants to do that? Playing travel sports you will be around diverse groups of people, you will go to areas you aren't normally in, and you will learn to handle difficult situations in a graceful way. You will learn to respect your coaches and umpires (even if you don't agree with them). Travel sports really does shape you into the kind of person you will be for the rest of your life and I am so thankful for that. But again- lame, right?
#4- You might have a childhood that involves being outside a lot and staying active
From the summer I turned 9 years old to the summer after my senior year of high school, I was found on a softball field 99% of the time. My birthday is in June, so majority of my birthdays were spent on the field and I absolutely loved it. I stayed in shape, I was always tan, I spent my summers outside, and we always stayed in hotels that had a pool! I was confident in my skills and I loved being on the field, hoping that every ground ball would come to me (I always loved fielding more than hitting). I loved my childhood summers and birthday celebrations with my teammates. But like- I guess staying inside all summer doing nothing is cool too.
#5- You might actually end up getting a college scholarship!
WHO LIKES SCHOLARSHIPS THOUGH?! I played softball for 11 years of my life. I played college softball for 2 years of my college. Even just playing 2 years, I got more in softball money than my parents ever paid for me to play. Also, even if I didn't play in college- the memories you make and the time you get to spend with your parents are absolutely priceless. I am 100% confident that without playing travel ball, I would have never got the exposure/skills required to play at the collegiate level and I'd be in a great deal of college debt right now.
So there you have it, folks! Don't play travel sports. If you do, you might love your parents too much, make too many friends, become too mature, spend too much time outside, and might end up getting a chance to play in college. If those things do not sound appealing to you, please don't pursue travel sports.
All jokes aside, I am so thankful my parents pushed me to tryout for a team 2 hours away from home when I was 9 years old. I have gained so much love and friends. I love the person I am today and I believe a big part of who I am is because I got the amazing opportunity to play travel ball. It truly was a huge huge blessing in my life.
It makes me sad to see so many people with rude comment towards those who play travel ball because a- how does it affect them in any way? and b- why would you ever want to talk down on parents giving their children a chance to better themselves/make friends/ believe they are talented and good at something in their life. It's a great opportunity and if parents have the ability to provide this opportunity and the child wants the opportunity then why the heck should they not get to have the opportunity?
Friendly reminder to love each other, love yourself, and follow your dreams whatever they might be. Also, if someone has a dream or a passion, please don't laugh at or look down on it just because you don't agree. It's okay to disagree, it's not okay to make fun of other people decisions and passions.
<3
*I'd also like to add that it's 100% okay to play travel sports with no intent to play your sport in college. That doesn't make your passion any less valid. But if you do want to pursue that goal, I'm here to tell you I would have never gotten there without travel ball.*
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