Love

Me again, it's been awhile.

Lately I've been doing a lot of reflecting. I never understood people when they said "when you know, you know." I always thought "Yea- you always think that in the honeymoon stage. But you never really know." But guys- When you know- you really know. Your heart literally beats differently, your outlook on life changes, your mental health becomes the best it's ever been. You just know. 

This time last year, I was probably at the lowest point in my life that I've ever been in. I put up a good front and didn't let people see it, but I truly was dying inside. I had no motivation to do anything. Nothing excited me. I didn't care about anything or anyone. I literally could have flunked out of nursing school and wouldn't have cared.  It was absolutely awful.

I let my mental health reach an all time low. I had very little respect for myself and allowed people to have that same level of respect for me. I didn't feel like I was the type of person who deserved respect. I had accepted that I had done something wrong and that feeling this low about myself and my life was just karma's way of taking care of me. 

I could honestly go on and on about how awful that time was- but in the fashion of this post being titled "love" I think I'll go ahead and get to the good stuff.

I think it's important for everyone to realize that as low as you get, as awful as it gets, as much as you think it never will, it does get better. When you're in a difficult situation it can be so easy to allow yourself to only see the negative and to convince yourself that this is just how life is and will be forever. I had grown up seeing a far from perfect example of love and because of that I think I just kinda assumed that that was my destiny as well.

On a whim one day on a random Tuesday, after having the lowest of the low past 3-4 months I had ever had, I decided to reach out to one of my best friends, a guy I forever thought was way too perfect to love someone as broken as me. I've talked to that guy every single day since that random Tuesday, and every single day continues to get better and better.

Looking back now at how truly broken I was, to now, I don't even recognize that person anymore. I am so much healthier both physically and mentally. I no longer have daily panic attacks. I just feel love and safety and all of the things that people should feel when they are in love with the right person.

I am encouraged everyday to be the best version of myself that I can be and he always encourages me when he sees that I am faulting. He truly makes me want to be a better person with each day and because of him I am motivated to be better and lift up others.

After so much time of truly despising the person that I was and the things that I allowed, I can honestly say that the only thing I feel towards myself now is love. I truly love myself.

They always say that before you can love someone else, you need to love yourself first- but I don't think that's 100% true. I think that when you finally feel the love that you deserve and you're with the person who brings out the best in you, you're able to love yourself because you are finally able to see that you're capable of being loved.

I just think it's really important for people to realize that they are not forever stuck in their awful situations. Depression doesn't have to last forever. You always deserve to feel the kind of love that in turn makes you love yourself. Finally, you should never, ever settle for anything less. Because for real, when you know- you know. And knowing is the best feeling in the world :).