Overcoming

Change is hard. It can be an incredibly scary thing. However, if change is needed, please allow yourself the opportunity to change and grow into the person you are meant to be. Leaving the easy known to go into the unknown can seriously be terrifying. Just know that you are worthy, you are strong, and you can better your situation.

I am a person most at fault with allowing the fear of change to overtake my life. I settled into a life that I didn't enjoy because of the fear of the unknown and being alone. I stayed with someone who belittled my feelings and made me feel like a second choice because I believed that's what I deserved. I told myself that he needed me, that I could help him, that I could protect him from his own demons. What I didn't intend to happen was the creation of a million demons for myself.

When you're in a toxic situation, you don't realize the severity of it no matter how many warning signs you are given. I lost friends because I chose to stay in my toxic situation time after time, no matter how many times I was given a reason to leave. I was talked about, laughed at, and seen as a pushover, someone with no self respect. I would be lying if I said I didn't also feel those things about myself as well. I knew the rumors were true, yet I didn't want to believe them. Or I did believe them and I told myself it's what I deserved, or he only did those things to me because of his past traumas. I told myself that it was my duty to help him through those traumas, and if I did that he wouldn't hurt me anymore.

I quickly transformed into someone I didn't recognize. I put off hanging out with my friends in case I got a call from him that he wanted to see me or that he needed my help. I skipped family events, or spent the whole event with my phone in my face waiting for a call or a text. I became infatuated with the fear of being inadequate. That he would leave me if I wasn't absolutely perfect. My mood depended on his mood. If he was happy, I was happy. If he was mad, I was scared to death of being left. I felt as if I was constantly walking on egg shells, terrified of a life without this man that my mind had convinced itself I physically could not live without.

I told myself I deserved to be cheated on because I wasn't being good enough to him, and If I was more for him I wouldn't have caused him to cheat. I ignored other rumors of cheating because I knew that even if they were confirmed to be true, I would not leave. I allowed him to breakup with me anytime he got mad at me, and would take him back as soon as he came back. I believed him that I was the issue, that I needed to be more for him to keep him from leaving me. I allowed my body to be available to him at any time while we were still broken up because I convinced myself that would make him love me again. When he did come back, I was not allowed to talk about the breakup and was told I would be left again if I continued. I allowed myself to be a doormat, and mistook it for love.

I knew that I would always come second to alcohol, but somehow I allowed myself to be okay with that. I told myself that alcohol was his coping mechanism for a hard life and that I couldn't come between that because I couldn't understand what he had been through. I just knew that I had to be there for him whenever alcohol caused him to be in a difficult situation, that that was my role. I feared the nights I knew he had drank as much as he usually did, I knew those were the nights he would probably get mad at me and break up with me. I remember a time he was drunk and had gotten in a fight with a friend and was stranded on a gravel road. He called me at 3am asking me to come get him. I told him I wouldn't because he needed to take responsibility for his actions. He then told me he was done with me, hung up and changed his Facebook status to single. When I asked him the next morning if he still felt the same way he replied "Bye Felicia". I told myself I deserved that because I should have went and helped him, and that I had been selfish. 

Yet through everything, I was still terrified of a life without him. I felt like my purpose in life was him. That I couldn't leave him because he needed me, he had had a bad life. I deserved what was happening to me because I could have been better, more supportive, less selfish. I ignored my friends telling me I deserved more. I ignored my mom telling me I could be treated better. I isolated myself from ever talking about the negative things he did to me because I wanted people to stop telling me I deserved better. Because I believed I didn't. 

Then one day something really amazing happened. I woke up, I realized I deserved better, and I left. I did what I thought I would never have the strength to do- I put myself first. I told myself that the way I was being treated was not acceptable. I told myself that I would not have a happy future if I allowed myself to stay in the current situation. I gathered up every once of courage that I had, and I left. It's still tough because I've let myself be so codependent for so long, but I know this is what I need to do to live the life I want. It's time to start putting myself and my needs first. 

I'm a person who thought that I was forever stuck in an impossible situation and I actually got out. I'm happier, stronger, healthier, and have better relationships with my friends and family. I have allowed myself the opportunity to find the correct person for me, to one day be loved the way I deserve to be loved. I have expanded my confidence and I have fallen in love with life again little by little, day by day.

Please never settle. Ever. You are worthy, you are loved, you are enough. It's okay to put yourself first.